Associated Press

It’s been a long time since I’ve updated this retarded livejournal. I’ve been too apathetic to make an effort typing my thoughts and ideas. So lame.
But thanks for your concern New York Daily News. I will survive just fine despite Grandps donating 97% of his fortune to charity. How you ask? On a steady diet of diet pills, material objects and cock. Just like always.
Oh, I can’t buy as many material possessions with tens of millions less you say? Fine I’ll compensate with more cock.
Maybe I’ll fuck a bear and get pregnant. Or flash my vag. Or flash my placenta after birthing a stupid baby.
I am a lady and you will treat me as such. Typing is boring.

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Why do I bother making bitchy comments about Nicole Richie when she is so clearly a walking punchline?

Associated Press

I could call her a fat cow, but why even bother? Unless that’s Zebra print she’s going for there.
Maybe Nicole’s actually pregnant. Her udders ARE looking larger than usual.
Hee — couldn’t help myself.

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How do I feel about filming the birth of London Hilton and releasing it as “Nine Months In Paris, One Night Coming Out”?
Possible gay porn crossover?

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Ever since I told everyone that I want get pregnant by next year, I’ve been getting a lot of really nice fan mail! Letters like this:
Hey Paris,
I hear you wanna get knocked up. Do you need a baby daddy? I’m 15 and I’ve never needed braces. So, like, our kid would have really nice teeth.
-Micheal
P.S. You could video tape us doing it if you want. I wouldn’t mind.

That’s sweet Micheal, but I can’t just pick my child’s father at random. This is probably one of the most important decisions I’ll ever make. And there’s so much I still don’t know about you. What kind of conglomerate does your family own? What are your feelings on leopard print bikinis for the 2-month-old set? How long is your tongue?
Micheal, why don’… Read more

Associated Press

Ever since I got back from jail, I’ve been feeling a bit empty. At first I thought I just needed the new Prada handbag, but that didn’t really help. Mostly because that bag came out while I was in jail, so it was already old news.
So next I got another tiny dog to carry around. I named it Jimi Hendrix, after the muppet. But it turns out that small canines are totally out! The only celeb still buying dogs is Britney Spears, and I don’t want to be associated with that hag.
So what is it? What’s the new hot thing that all the celebrities have that I don’t? A mini-human!
Nicole, Angelina, all the Spice Girls. I need to hop on this bandwagon and fast; who knows how long this baby trend is going to last? I’m giving myself one y… Read more

I’ve told reporters that I think Nicole Richie will be a great mom. And I totally stand by that statement. Should Nicole actually GET pregnant, instead of carrying on with this ridiculous attempt to THWART my paparazzi power … I’m sure she’ll be great. Whenever we drove to Skid Row to buy cocaine, she’d always crack open the windows of her car for Tinkerbell. Now that’s maternal instinct.
However, Nicole Richie is NOT pregnant. Let’s take another look at how the charade is progressing:

Associated Press

That’s not a baby! It’s clearly tissue paper! I can practically hear it crinkling.
Don’t you think you’re a little old to be stuffing, Nicole?

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Mattel just recalled 9 million toys because they were choking hazards and had dangerous amounts of lead.

Associated Press

You know what WASN’T recalled? The Paris Hilton Hello Kitty Doll! It’s perfectly safe to swallow! No lead there! In fact, it’s an excellent source of protein!
Put it on the Christmas list, kids! And if there’s a side market of 50 year-old men who live in their mom’s basement—that’s okay! I never say no to a fringe audience.
Mattel and I talked about making a Paris Hilton Barbie. But it didn’t work out. I asked them to make the prototype more flexible, but apparently they haven’t mastered the double-jointed hipbone in miniature plastics. So I decided that I’d hold out until technology could do me justice.
It’s all about the quality … Read more